good god forgive me.

My heart is a mess, and my brain is a whole other mess.

This heart of mine is telling me to do something and this head of mine is asking me to do the complete opposite! Which should I follow? I can never choose, they both hate one another and I am stuck in the middle, confused and more than anything else...lost.

I like to think that every decision I have made in my life was the right one, regardless of the pains these decisions have put me through, and this is the first time I cannot make a single decision because both my heart and brain are not working together anymore, and I really wish they would come to a goddamn conclusion already, that they would both just stop fighting and help me...they should help me, they are my own organs after all but they are being goddamn selfish right now and just doing their own thing while I sit here and wait...for some sort of answer that never seems to come through.

Or maybe I am being selfish for putting them through my constant bullshit over the past 25 years and now they are on strike.

Karma has told me that they do not hate each other, they are looking for balance. Well for once I have to disagree with Karma (and the other karma too).

I talked about this yesterday and it is worth mentioning, if I could, I would rip them both out and have them replaced; my brain with a more logical brain and my heart with a less broken heart in an instant.

I just want one thing and that is to just feel good again, to feel that I can measure up to my own expectations of myself, ...it's not hard right? I may be asking for too much. I know I deserve better, but how can I deserve better when the options are limited...and I hate myself for even considering the possibilities I have let myself consider.

I need some kind of cure, or some kind of medication maybe?

I am not making any more sense...the brain and heart are fighting as we speak, I should stop writing before they crash into one another and I have to deal with them again...