I mixed it!

a little less convenient

The cigarette slightly moving away from her lips as she puffs out the smoke into the car mirror, motioning to the right; a woman sitting on the pavement, rocking back and forth, with her hands clasped around herself; she goes on and says "that could have been you". I breathe out loudly an uncomfortable sigh and say “when broken we make amends”.

Caught in a traffic jam between half conscious, half intoxicated and slightly in a delusional state; I hear a knock on the car window, as Andrew Bird’s yawny at the apocalypse resonates through the speakers. A stranger, walking by, presents me with a rose; I, with no facial expression, gesture "no thank you" he smiles then walks away.

I look into the car mirror and remind myself "I am trying to be sane, stop calling out my name".

history

...

denial

He glances back and forth trying to find a soul through my eyes.

We inhale, as one, the cancerous air that nourishes our lungs; nobody else could feel this like we did.

I swear I will never give in. I refuse.

hitler in my heart

For two days like a quiet ghost on the windshield, he analyzed my every motion as I destroyed my lungs, as I laughed, sung and cried.

When I asked him for some sympathy, he could only waltz to Voyevoda; moving his tiny feet rhythmically and when the music died he knew it was time to go "when we drink beer, dragonflies appear...lazy butterfly dreaming of the sky, wake up the clouds are coming…I won’t forget her" is all my little dreary spider whispered before leaving me to dwell in my loneliness

I curse you dear cherub for blowing him away with your weather, for ruining my vision and now I can no longer tell red from green anymore, and because of you I offered my heart to the cruel and heartless; where the truthful words came out of my mouth "use it more wisely than I ever did" but my offer was unwanted.

ET stopped by the parking lot wall to say hello and asked me if the weather was safe to find home again to which I answered "It is never safe".

the lights go on

We defied our government; we were a crowd of strangers staring at a screen, watching, as the music took over our souls and men rose from the Mediterranean Sea.

I leaned my back against the wall accidentally bumping into a painting that stared back at me in shame for making her known...I apologized and moved ever so slightly away.

"Would you like a chair?" asked a voice in the darkness sitting to my left, all I could make out were curls, to which I answered "oh no that’s okay thanks", my response was ignored, he stood up and walked out into the light where I noticed the bluest of eyes; he brought a chair over and placed it next to his – I smiled – We never spoke again.

"Bashir was to them what David Bowie was to me" my stranger and I laughed. We were the only two to understand the joke it seems.

As the film reached its final scene the images were no longer an animation, I could not help but cry as these people that went through a horrific massacre, screaming in agony, anger and pain as dead bodies of their fathers, sons, daughters, wives and grandparents were piled on top of one another like sardines and then the image of a little girl, no older than 8, buried in the rubble.

The lights went on; I wiped my face of tears shed for a past that should have been long before acknowledged. I had only one cigarette left, I offered it to someone to which she responded "you live here, you deserve that cigarette more than I do".

a palpable tale

Thirteen floors closer to the sky I shared my secret with a horse soaring by the sea side.

He preached of the silence surrounding the harvest moon, he invited me to look up, spread out my hands and let the wind blow through my soul.

When the time was right the stillness blew west to where my heart lays to rest.

The chrysalis scratching out the surface of what this quiet disguise has concealed from me.

It would be no crime to turn into another tiny and insignificant version of myself; maybe I am as good as I will ever be.

good god forgive me.

My heart is a mess, and my brain is a whole other mess.

This heart of mine is telling me to do something and this head of mine is asking me to do the complete opposite! Which should I follow? I can never choose, they both hate one another and I am stuck in the middle, confused and more than anything else...lost.

I like to think that every decision I have made in my life was the right one, regardless of the pains these decisions have put me through, and this is the first time I cannot make a single decision because both my heart and brain are not working together anymore, and I really wish they would come to a goddamn conclusion already, that they would both just stop fighting and help me...they should help me, they are my own organs after all but they are being goddamn selfish right now and just doing their own thing while I sit here and wait...for some sort of answer that never seems to come through.

Or maybe I am being selfish for putting them through my constant bullshit over the past 25 years and now they are on strike.

Karma has told me that they do not hate each other, they are looking for balance. Well for once I have to disagree with Karma (and the other karma too).

I talked about this yesterday and it is worth mentioning, if I could, I would rip them both out and have them replaced; my brain with a more logical brain and my heart with a less broken heart in an instant.

I just want one thing and that is to just feel good again, to feel that I can measure up to my own expectations of myself, ...it's not hard right? I may be asking for too much. I know I deserve better, but how can I deserve better when the options are limited...and I hate myself for even considering the possibilities I have let myself consider.

I need some kind of cure, or some kind of medication maybe?

I am not making any more sense...the brain and heart are fighting as we speak, I should stop writing before they crash into one another and I have to deal with them again...

nothing to say

and with that title in mind I will leave you with a quote, it is supposed to be self-explanatory...and very obvious as to what is going through my head.

Have you ever been in love? Horrible isn't it? It makes you so vulnerable. It opens your chest and it opens up your heart and it means someone can get inside you and mess you up. You build up all these defenses. You build up a whole armor, for years, so nothing can hurt you, then one stupid person, no different from any other stupid person, wanders into your stupid life... You give them a piece of you. They didn't ask for it. They did something dumb one day, like kiss you or smile at you, and then your life isn't your own anymore. Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so simple a phrase like 'maybe we should be just friends' or 'how very perceptive' turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart. It hurts. Not just in the imagination. Not just in the mind. It's a soul-hurt, a body-hurt, a real gets-inside-you-and-rips-you-apart pain. Nothing should be able to do that. Especially not love. I hate love.

I have nothing else to say except my mind is not being fully rational anymore...

i've forgotten which people i like & which people i hate

I've been through worse, this is just another one of those pains that hurt your heart

&

My heart has been hurt before...far worse than this...

I am just letting the hurt do it's job & then fuck off.

The only part that disappointed me was I thought their might be hope, but their never is...

"They do not feel" that is a line I have repeated far too many times in the past few days...

I am trying to convince myself ...

&

I am tired of repeating myself...

"I'm waiting for someone to shake me & say - hey bitch, your wish is my command, just smile & nod, we'll understand - "

the tragic death of karma hamady

The newspapers were in frenzy “The tragic passing of Karma Hamady”; the headlines of every Beirut newspaper were covered with stories claiming to have found her corpse, but I knew that it was not her remains they had discovered. I know that for Karma death was not as simple as a mere carcass being left there to rot away.

I remembered the last night I saw her, the night seemed darker than usual, the moon hid behind ancient clouds and no stars were to be seen, this darkness was unlike other nights.

She was sitting at her favorite bar with her hoodie over her head, holding her favorite glass of wine in her right hand and a cigarette in her left, making paper cranes whenever she was able to put down her wine, she seemed serene but a unsettling mood surrounded her.

Only she could know of her fate, this had been planned long before any of us could call Karma a friend, it was written in her soul and placed in her heart.

When asked if she needed anything, all she would say in a quiet tone “That’s all she ever thinks about, riding with the wind”, from her voice you could tell that she was hiding her broken heart, she had no more tears left to show her ache. She would smile but it never lasted long enough, there was an obvious tension in her eyes, as if she was hiding one last goodbye.

It was a quarter to midnight when she put out her last cigarette of the evening, before walking out the door of her precious cabin, as if to bid farewell, she placed her hand on the door one last time and with a smile she looked back only once as if to capture a moment she would never forget.

When asked where she was going she answered with such innocence "to watch the stars" and as a final tear rolled down her face, the sky screamed and in all its viciousness the wind blew as hard as it could, it ripped through the windows, shattered bottles, threw people to the ground, and in an instant she was gone.

The stars shone brighter than they ever had afterwards.

Karma did not die of natural causes nor did she die by her own hands, nobody will ever really know what happened that night, but I know that this is how she had wanted to go, far into the skies, sitting at her favorite bar, drinking her favorite wine, and looking down on the world as she rides with the wind on the back of a unicorn.

the heart of a man

In the garden where he walked miles from me, I could see his heart stop; it was his way of analyzing his thoughts. Between the trees he found a piece of paper and on it he wrote "every day stays the same".

He recognized me by the sound of my tears hitting the fallen leaves.

As I ran into hiding, he followed me and went down on his knees as I hid my face in shame of being found.

He ran his fingers through my dyed out hair and in my moment of collapse, with a smile across his face, he whispered very gently into my ear "oh love of mine some day you will die".

in between days

The harder I look the more I realize that what is right in front me is just a noticeable circumstance.

I am trying very hard to go through everyday without searching for anything more than what is obvious, without having to cause myself a headache over thinking every little detail that runs through my brain.

I think in the deepest depths of my broken soul I would find something I may not be ready to find.

And for the first time in a long time I was given a hug (in the bathroom of a bar of all places) that felt sincere enough that it clicked in my brain and reminded me when I used to accidentally bump into strangers to remember what it meant to feel something.

she's not selling any alibi's

Under his fingertips I built a pedestal only to watch it collapse; he held my hand and took us outside to run as fast as we could to collect our cancer dues. And on my loneliest night I remembered the bleak moments when I most welcomed his dimming divide.

If I was a few numbers under maybe I would suffer less guilt.

I find myself tied between my dream of choking on panadol, and being shot down by Jesus in a suit.

I would like to have the right to wake up on a different side of life, to walk into a person's head and move things around.

Pick up the pieces of a troubled mind and put them in my own order.

And yet another day will go by with only a fragment of meaning to it.

hold on to yourself

I walked in the rain and the rain hit me with its thundering roar when the raindrops hit my face.

She’s drinking her heart in and throwing it back out on the bathroom floor, she’s Ada in every excessive way.

I look in the streets filled with limitless stomps of feet looking for you but all I found was me stuck in between the traffic lights.

She’s a book you would never read; she’s Ada in all the juvenile ways.

I swam across the lake in the hopes of finding something greater than yesterday...and all I could find was the soul of a dying man. I don’t even know how to swim.

She can hear the sounds through the walls; she’s Ada in all theatrical ways.

I had names missing up in the air through the flying daggers that carved them into the earth.

She’s a story with no words; she’s Ada in all the mistaken ways.

*inspired by The National - Ada*

a conversation in a bar

Last night a conversation in a bar led to the decision to start a blog, I cannot remember how many times I have done this but it has to be a good idea.

This same conversation at this same bar on the same night led to many other conclusions, including the most important one, there is nothing wrong with me, I am perfectly set and if I have flaws, so be it, they are a part of me right? and I used to once accept all my human disorders, I don't know what happened for me to forget that those flaws are what make nothing wrong with me.

I will be fine, I am fine, it is only temporary, the heart can always heal itself, it is all in my head...I'll drink to that.