denial

He glances back and forth trying to find a soul through my eyes.

We inhale, as one, the cancerous air that nourishes our lungs; nobody else could feel this like we did.

I swear I will never give in. I refuse.

hitler in my heart

For two days like a quiet ghost on the windshield, he analyzed my every motion as I destroyed my lungs, as I laughed, sung and cried.

When I asked him for some sympathy, he could only waltz to Voyevoda; moving his tiny feet rhythmically and when the music died he knew it was time to go "when we drink beer, dragonflies appear...lazy butterfly dreaming of the sky, wake up the clouds are coming…I won’t forget her" is all my little dreary spider whispered before leaving me to dwell in my loneliness

I curse you dear cherub for blowing him away with your weather, for ruining my vision and now I can no longer tell red from green anymore, and because of you I offered my heart to the cruel and heartless; where the truthful words came out of my mouth "use it more wisely than I ever did" but my offer was unwanted.

ET stopped by the parking lot wall to say hello and asked me if the weather was safe to find home again to which I answered "It is never safe".

the lights go on

We defied our government; we were a crowd of strangers staring at a screen, watching, as the music took over our souls and men rose from the Mediterranean Sea.

I leaned my back against the wall accidentally bumping into a painting that stared back at me in shame for making her known...I apologized and moved ever so slightly away.

"Would you like a chair?" asked a voice in the darkness sitting to my left, all I could make out were curls, to which I answered "oh no that’s okay thanks", my response was ignored, he stood up and walked out into the light where I noticed the bluest of eyes; he brought a chair over and placed it next to his – I smiled – We never spoke again.

"Bashir was to them what David Bowie was to me" my stranger and I laughed. We were the only two to understand the joke it seems.

As the film reached its final scene the images were no longer an animation, I could not help but cry as these people that went through a horrific massacre, screaming in agony, anger and pain as dead bodies of their fathers, sons, daughters, wives and grandparents were piled on top of one another like sardines and then the image of a little girl, no older than 8, buried in the rubble.

The lights went on; I wiped my face of tears shed for a past that should have been long before acknowledged. I had only one cigarette left, I offered it to someone to which she responded "you live here, you deserve that cigarette more than I do".

a palpable tale

Thirteen floors closer to the sky I shared my secret with a horse soaring by the sea side.

He preached of the silence surrounding the harvest moon, he invited me to look up, spread out my hands and let the wind blow through my soul.

When the time was right the stillness blew west to where my heart lays to rest.

The chrysalis scratching out the surface of what this quiet disguise has concealed from me.

It would be no crime to turn into another tiny and insignificant version of myself; maybe I am as good as I will ever be.

good god forgive me.

My heart is a mess, and my brain is a whole other mess.

This heart of mine is telling me to do something and this head of mine is asking me to do the complete opposite! Which should I follow? I can never choose, they both hate one another and I am stuck in the middle, confused and more than anything else...lost.

I like to think that every decision I have made in my life was the right one, regardless of the pains these decisions have put me through, and this is the first time I cannot make a single decision because both my heart and brain are not working together anymore, and I really wish they would come to a goddamn conclusion already, that they would both just stop fighting and help me...they should help me, they are my own organs after all but they are being goddamn selfish right now and just doing their own thing while I sit here and wait...for some sort of answer that never seems to come through.

Or maybe I am being selfish for putting them through my constant bullshit over the past 25 years and now they are on strike.

Karma has told me that they do not hate each other, they are looking for balance. Well for once I have to disagree with Karma (and the other karma too).

I talked about this yesterday and it is worth mentioning, if I could, I would rip them both out and have them replaced; my brain with a more logical brain and my heart with a less broken heart in an instant.

I just want one thing and that is to just feel good again, to feel that I can measure up to my own expectations of myself, ...it's not hard right? I may be asking for too much. I know I deserve better, but how can I deserve better when the options are limited...and I hate myself for even considering the possibilities I have let myself consider.

I need some kind of cure, or some kind of medication maybe?

I am not making any more sense...the brain and heart are fighting as we speak, I should stop writing before they crash into one another and I have to deal with them again...